Aries (fire): Today, when you see the ghostly green clouds floating your way, you won’t be certain that they mean you harm. What if they are the best friends you can hope for at this point in time? Think about it, Aries.
Taurus (earth): Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, dear Taurus. Better yet, gather ye all of the poison nightshades ye can. You’re gonna need ‘em.
Gemini (air): When you heard your name on the wind yesterday, you ignored it. But today, sweet Gemini, when you hear them call your name, they mean business.
Cancer (water): You had one job, Cancer, to watch the water supply. No one thought you could do it. Turns out they were right.
Leo (fire): Your gas mask has a leak in it.
Virgo (earth): You’ve always said you prefer solitude. Well, your wish has been granted. Forever.
Libra (air): You forgot to lock the door to the bunker last night. I don't know what those things are that are standing in the hallway looking at you.
Scorpio (water): You did it, Scorpio. You ruined it for everyone. Way to go.
Sagittarius (fire): Dance on the graves of your elders today. Even though they used to dance to live music in breathable air without fear of zombies, you’re still alive for now and you are rockin’ that gas mask, Sag.
Capricorn (earth): This year, think outside the bunker. Raw tree bark bites for everyone!
Aquarius (air): Tonight, look up at the sky and imagine that you can still see the stars. Remember how they used to twinkle. That’s all I can offer you, Aquarius.
Pisces (water): Remember, not all cannibals are alike. You never took to vegetarianism anyway. Dig in, Pisces.
Clever and funny.